I have depression. I've had it as long as I can remember. I used to be a cutter - I've stopped years ago - but occasionally I still want to. I have had a really hard time articulating my depression because I can never really understand it when I am out of it. It happens less frequently the past few years. Medication helps.
The other night, I fell into a really deep depression. I was getting irritable and started to be snippy to my (new!) husband. He rightfully called me out on it. This triggered me to storm out. Not because I was mad at him but because I wanted to be alone. I curled up in a bed in our guest room for 15 minutes and just got into my head which made it got worse. Ultimately, I wanted to cut but didn't want to do that to him. I don't want him to worry or feel guilty so I went back into the room and he apologized. I tried to just roll over and pretend to sleep but I was still upset, not with him - but about everything. He asked me to talk about it, and I felt so overwhelmed.
"I did terrible in softball today. I feel a lot of pressure at work. I don't feel good enough. Everyone who came to our wedding loves us and they live far away and I didn't spend enough time with them. Everyone made me feel so special at the wedding, but what if people were just acting that way because I was the bride. Maybe now that we are married, no one else but you cares about me. How is Donald Trump a serious political candidate to run our country? And the fucking DNC! Why is the world so corrupt and we have no control over anything."
My husband says, "it sounds like you are trying to rationalize your feelings. You can be upset. I am here." Extremely sweet and comforting.
I instantly switched to trying to diagnose myself.
This is a defensive tactic to rationalize why I am upset and it only makes matters worse because I keep thinking of everything that could make me upset. It reminded me of this children's story Tear Water Tea from Owl at Home because it's just thinking of everything that makes you upset so you can be sad. For me, I am trying so hard to figure out why I am feeling an emotion that I actually am overcome by it.
Describing it to him and understanding it for myself relieved me from the spiral I was in. Usually the release is from cutting - because cutting completely changes the subject from everything to something. One thing. That I immediately have to deal with and only react to - not to think about.
Insightful. I hope that I can always recognize that.
I've also been in that very dark place thinking similar thoughts. Different settings could trigger the feelings of worthlessness that can emerge seemingly from nowhere. I had to talk to my "old" husband about it years back because I was so scared and things seemed so dark. Like you, I knew he wasn't causing my feelings and reassured him of this. I've never cut but I have banged on things and hurt my hands or broke something by throwing it when I was feeling so out of control. I didn't know anything during those early times except that 'everything' bad that happened, I believed, was happening because of me. That IS depression. Like you, I had my husband listen to me. He really cared for me. It was such a relief to share my feelings (so dark) and have him be a reassuring comfort to me. Good thing that you are now on medication that can be adjusted if you start feeling low for a period of time that is not situational. See your doctor. I swear I wish I had known at your age that is was depression and not me that was screwing up my thoughts. Love you, Erika. Hugs. No one at your wedding only loved you because you were the bride and no one was 'acting' like they cared.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry that I never responded to this before. I believe I read it before but I read it again just now and it really lifted my spirit. Thank you <3
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